* Sex-Shank Redemption * A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a very unique looking broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem, it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I would like a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing." ------------------------------------------------ * My Pet Frog * A guy starts up a conversation with a woman he's been admiring all night in a bar. After a while he tells her of his very special pet frog. This frog he says, can do things to you with his quick tongue, that will give you a better orgasm then you have ever had in your life, bar none!!! After disputing this for several drinks, she decides she is game for it and they leave for his hotel room. Following his instructions she becomes nude, lies upon the bed and spreads her legs. He places this big green frog between her legs and begins to speak to the frog, "OK frog, lick.. Come on froggie lick.. Frog??? Lick frog....LICK!" The frog just sits there, doing nothing. He looks at her, and then at the frog and says, "all right frog, now listen, I'm going to show you how to do this one last time and if you don't get it..... ------------------------------------------------ * Bloody good joke, this one * What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts. ------------------------------------------------ * And the Moral is... * << There are 3 roosters in a hen house but no hens. >> Q: How many beaks are in that hen house? A: 3 Q: How many feet are in that hen house? A: 6 << A cat jumps in the hen house. >> Q: How many teeth does the cat have? A: Don't know! The moral of the story is that we know a hell of a lot more about cocks then we do about pussys. ------------------------------------------------ * Limerlick * There once was a man from Nantucket. Who's dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin, If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it. ------------------------------------------------ * How could blondes have more fun with treatment like this? * A ship wreck strands three blondes on an island. They are all starving but hope of figuring a way to get to the mainland which is in view across the horizon. A fairy appears and says to the blondes, "I noticed your plight and I will grant each of you a wish". The first blond says "I wish I was smart so I could get off this damn island." POOF, the fairy turns the blonde into a red head and the red head jumps into the water and swims off towards land. The second blonde says "I want to be even smarter than her." POOF, the fairy turns her into a brunette and the brunette builds a boat and sails off to land. Then the third blonde says "I want to be even smarter than both of them put together." POOF, the fairy turns the blonde into a man and he walks across the bridge to land. ------------------------------------------------ * But I like lesbians! * Why are lesbians fatter than straight women? Because they're always eating out and don't do dick. ------------------------------------------------ * Limerick's Rule! * Once there was a man from Boston Who took a ride in his Austin He had room for his ass a gallon of gas but his balls hung out and he lost them ------------------------------------------------ * The BabeMaster's real name * A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?" "Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality." "And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement. She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers." "Very interesting..." the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?" The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." ------------------------------------------------ * Younger Generation * A kid on a skateboard is being pulled down the sidewalk by his dog, which he's holding onto by the tail. A woman stops him saying, "sonny, couldn't you hold onto him some other way"? "Yeah, I could," says the kid. "I could grab him by the balls, but I save that for passing gear!" ------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------ * Why didn't I think of this? * What happens when you put a bunny's battery in backwards? He keeps cumming and cumming and cumming....... ------------------------------------------------ * The Dishes * Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear petroleum jelly over the hole where the seal should be to keep the water out. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while back about doing dishes. We haven't done any dishes since, but we made a rule, that the first person to speak at dinner has to do all of those fucking dishes." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of petroleum jelly. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!" ------------------------------------------------ * Buffalo * Two Indians were riding across the plains on their ponies. They pulled to a stop to check if they were being followed. The first one climbs down off of his pony and puts his ear to the ground. The second one asks the first one what he hears. The first one says "buffalo come." The second one says "I see nothing moving for miles, how do you know this?" The first one replies, putting his hand to his cheek: "face all sticky" ------------------------------------------------ * Now that's just not right * How many battered women does it take to change a light bulb? Just one if they know what's good for them. ------------------------------------------------ * ------------------------------------------------ * Genetic engineering gone bad * What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth! ------------------------------------------------ * This one kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth * A 17 year old girl has a big date for Friday night and wants to borrow her dad's car. She's the captain of the cheerleader squad you see, and she has a date with the captain of the football team whom she's been after for a long time. The trouble is, the boys' car is broken down. The only way they can go on this date is for her to borrow her father's station wagon. Which by the way, ensures a place for their after movie romp. So the girl goes to her father and asks her if she can borrow the car. Her father refuses as he is very protective of his car. She begs and pleads and says that she'll do 'anything' to get the car. Her father thinks about this for a minute and says, "Anything?" "Yes!" she pleads. He pauses for a moment and says, "If you want the car that bad, will you blow me?" The daughter is horrified! He has never even hinted at anything like this before. But, it's not like she's a virgin or anything, in fact she's blown at least 20 guys already. After much pondering she replies, "ok, I'll give you a blowjob for the car." She unzips his pants and starts the deed. After only a few moments she stops and says to him, "God dad, your dick tastes like shit!" He slaps his thigh and exclaims, "Oh Damn I forgot, your brother already has the car" ------------------------------------------------ * Oh Lord * A young man goes into a drug store to by condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. ------------------------------------------------ * I think we fucked up on this one * Seems God was just about done creating the universe and had a couple of things left over in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it flow, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "So what's left in here anyway? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..." ------------------------------------------------ * Confucius say * Man who go to bed with sex on mind- wake up with solution in hand. ------------------------------------------------ * Jail! * An insurance salesman tired of being broke all of the time tries to make big by second mortgaging his house and buying a pound of cocaine to sell. But bummer, he tries to sell to an undercover cop. He winds up in a prison cell with a huge monster of a man, totally ripped, hairy and smelly, totally covered in prison tattoos. As the former salesman tries to introduce himself he is interrupted by the big con. "I'll tell you what we're gonna' to do," the con says. "We're gonna' play house, do you want to be the momma, or the daddy?" The con asks. "Well," the salesman says in a meek voice. Thinking that there is no fucking way that he wants the part of the mommy with this big mother-fucker he says, "I'll be the daddy." "Well then," says the con, "then how bout' you coming on over here and sucking old momma's dick?"